Wishing for death to come and take me…

I have read so many stories about people wanting to die because of personal reasons. Now, i feel the same way too. hoping that it will come soon like a thief in the night. Why? Because i have FAILED as a husband and a father.

We once lived in a modest home in a nice neighborhood(a pool, a few cars, chauffer, etc). We could afford creature comforts. I have two daughters aged 13 and 16 who went to private schools. We gave them everything. Business was good. Both me and my wife run it with several people under our employ. Everything is working perfect.

We shared our blessings. We took care of our employees well including their family members(hospital bills, medicines, apartment rentals etc). I even drive for more than 100 miles every 2 weeks to bring food and money to 3 poor families which i chose to help without anything in return. It made me feel good, and it was the right thing to do. Come christmas eve, i spend my time with them.

Me and my family travelled a lot whenever we can. Most of the time, we were joined by our siblings and their family as well as friends. We spent on most things. On some weekends, they would call and invite us to go on trips. If were not travelling, they would come visit us at home. We eat, drink, and have a good time. Everything went well. If they need help, they could always count on me . Even my neighbors, and people i dont know come to me for help, financially or otherwise. That’s no problem for me, I’m always glad to. Yes, everybody likes me.

So, everything was doing well. Me and my wife lived the fast lane, dazzled by the lights. It went on for a long time, not knowing that we were spending a lot. It went on and on until it started to affect our business. So we stopped, but it was to late. Internet shopping also started to affect us. Our business is dying because of this, and finally, it went belly up. We were left with a huge debt.

We have lost everything. We now live in a suburban area on an open space with a makeshift house. My daughters have stopped going to school. Its been years we’re living like this. No job, no nothing. All the people that were around us before seem to not know us anymore. They wont take my calls. They turned their backs on us.

Were now living a miserable life. Eating only twice a day. I mostly dont eat my share of food on the table as i give it to my wife and daughters so they can eat well. We couldnt buy medicines. Im very worried that my younger daughter is becoming sickly lately.

One time we were walking to church, we passed by a famous burger joint. The smell of it was really good. My 2 daughters suddenly ran to the front of the joint and watched people eating through the window. And when they came back to me, their faces were sad. It broke my heart. I couldn’t hold back my tears and they saw me cry. Everytime we pass by that place, same thing happens.

I finally started a business when i had some money. it kept us going for a while until we used up everything for our basic needs. We sold my daughter’s laptop recently that i gave her on her birthday so that we will have something to eat. We just buy scraps of meat and fish in the market and make something out of it. Just enough to fill our stomachs. Again, this wouldn’t last long.

I walk more than 10 miles everyday looking for an opportunity to earn, but no luck. I couldn’t do manual labor as my left shoulder hurts like hell whenever I raise my arms halfway. Im already in my late 40s and my wife is 9 years older than me.

Everyday, their tempers are flaring up towards me. They don’t include me in decisions that are to be made. I can’t sleep well because of what my mind is going through. It’s torturing me. Everyday i feel pain, sorrow, and anguish. When will this stop? I’ll do anything to make it. If only i could turn back the hands of time.
I take the blame for everything. I should have been wise enough to know, but i wasn’t. I should have secured my family’s future, but i did not. I should have given them better lives, but i destroyed their’s.

At night, when everyone’s asleep, I contemplate deeply. More than half of me keeps pushing me to kill myself, and I’m entertaining the thought. I can’t take this anymore. I don’t want to see my children’s life completely destroyed. Maybe someone will take care of them when I’m gone. Who knows?

I’m hoping that one day, they find in their hearts to forgive me. To love me again, as a husband and as a father, who once completely failed them, in this life or the next.

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